What Could It Be? It’s a…

Ooer! Cross your legs!

“clamped”, “locking arms”, “rotated” and “clicked completely shut.”

All words used in the instruction manual for the device we have been speculating about this week.

Afterfour days of deliberation, it’s time to reveal the answer…

As I stated, those amongst you who declared the object to be some form of penis enlargement device were actually in the right area, but in reality it is quite the opposite.

No, as guessed almost correctly by the Bedmaster, this is a ‘Home Circumcision Device’.  I found it here .  However, don’t speculate too much on what sort of person would browse for things like this – it was quite by accident!

Unfortunately, nil funds in the Old Heatonian coffers dictate there is no prize for guessing, but thanks for playing.

It’s Friday!

Levels of anticipation must almost be at whimper pitch, as today we will finally reveal the purpose of the gadget we have been speculating about most of the week…

It’s also my first payday from the ‘top secret’ work I am doing for the government, so expect a greater than usual level of intoxication exhibited by your humble scribe tonight, as I furiously try to balance imbibement with ‘paying attention to the band in order to review them on Monday’*.

Results of ‘What Could It Be’ scheduled for 12 noon, first Stella expected in the system around 6 – see you then!
_{(* may not actually happen)}

What Could It Be – Clues Part 2

As promised, here’s your second and final clue:

Remember, the answer will be revealed tomorrow.  I will warn you now – there is a video available of this in use!

What Could It Be – Clues Part 1

Just to give you a clue, the following item comes in the accessory pack for the gadget:

There’ll be another clue after lunch today – don’t forget to check back!

What Could It Be?

In the first of an occasional series, I present a gadget which I found while browsing the Internet the other day:

What could it be?  What is the purpose of this device?

Suggestions in the comments – answer will be revealed Friday!

Is He Happy Yet?

Friday night at the Kings Arms saw the pub rocking away to the long awaited first gig of up and coming band ‘Keep The Drummer Happy’…

After months of rehearsal, Charlotte, Dave, Tim and Ed finally set up camp in this excellent venue and showed us all what they had been up to, taking us on an eclectic roller coaster ride through a selection of classic covers.  The journey took in a range of diverse musical styles – ranging from the pulsing bass line of ‘Heard It Through the Grapevine’, through the electro reggae beats of The Polices ‘Roxanne’ and the self-indulgent leviathon that is Led Zeppelins ‘Moby Dick’, complete with an excellent though tortuous solo by eponymous drummer Tim Barker.

The set was mostly tightly constructed, with tunes chosen to bring out the best of each of the individual musicians and showcase the incredible vocal talents of the gorgeous Charlotte Bradman.

Heaton loves it’s live music at the Kings, and the pub is regularly packed on Fridays, with regulars and newcomers alike.  Last Friday was no exception, and it is testament both to the band, their friends, and the enthusiasm and support of the staff of this venue, that a new unheard of act could garner such vocal affirmation and play to such a large crowd.

This being the Old Heatonian, regular readers will no doubt be expecting my ‘however’ moment.  But to be fair, even though they made a valiant attempt at performing an already (in my opinion) shocking track (My Sex is On Fire – Kings of Leon), I found it difficult to fault anything else on the night.  Sure, there are rough edges to the performance, but the enthusiasm and tenacity of the band members will ensure that these are knocked off quickly.

And perhaps they’ll cut down the length of that Moby Dick drum solo – kick out the middle 15 minutes of it and it could almost be perfect…

The band are booked to play the Kings again on 25th September – if you missed them this time round, make sure to mark that day in your calendar.  I promise you a good night!

It Wasn’t Me…

Absolutely nothing to do with me. Or Mrs Funk...

There WAS Life Before The Computer…

The Day The Music Died?

RIP Jacko…

Keep The Mosquito Out Of My Mojito!

My view

With the culmination of the wedding, and the return of most of the members of the wedding party back to jolly old Blighty, life has settled into a steady rhythm of getting out of bed, eating breakfast and bagging a suitable spot by the pool…

There is constantly the temptation to eschew the daily lolling around and set off on an overpriced excursion to swim with dolphins, or experience first-hand the no doubt majestic delights of one of the official 7 wonders of the world – the Mayan temple complex of Chitzen  Itza.  Where we could climb a cyclopean stairway to the top (a task which itself would make the 199 step hike to Whitby Abbey seem a mere skip through the Lister Park crocuses) and visit the shed where they did all the human sacrifices.  However, aside from a bus trip to Cancun (disappointing, although we did finally enjoy a palatable ice cold beer or two), we have managed thus far to keep ourselves focused on doing not really much at all.  And that’s the way we like it.

The pool itself is just deep enough, nice and cool and refreshing, and not a German in sight.  It also has a ‘swim up’ bar, serving beers and cocktails all day long.

Spot the faraway look...

The swim up bar was a constant source of fascination to me during the early part of our stay.  I mean, for those inclined that way, it gives you the ultimate opportunity to sit at a bar and quietly have a pee… WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  Try doing that in the Kings – I’m sure the landlord would have something to say about it.

Having said that, I’m sure there are certain precautions one should take while doing so.  For example, don’t get too close to anyone while you let go – no one wants to feel a warm cloud drifting around their legs while stood next to someone with that faraway look on their face as they finally defeat their potty training.  Also, make sure you have ordered a drink beforehand, and make it a complicated one so that the barman doesn’t need to catch your eye while you are in mid stream – I’m sure he will recognise that look of intense concentration, perhaps from his own experiments earlier in the season.

Terrorist arms cache, or breakfast?

The food is excellent, with a huge choice of dishes at every mealtime.  I was a bit disturbed, however, to discover that the hotel appeared to be dispensing ‘Fragmentation Hand Grenades’ at breakfast time…

Although Mexico has had a fairly lawless reputation in the past, and I’m not sure about the laws here regarding gun ownership, let alone the right to own ordinance such as grenades.  However, in a bid to secure one to bring home for my weapon loving friends, I found myself getting up earlier and earlier, but they always appeared to have run out.  How we laughed when I finally discovered that ‘Fragmentation Hand Grenade’ was merely a dodgy translation, and in actual fact announced the availability of pineapple jam!

Our days here in this wonderful place are rapidly coming to an end now, and soon it will be back to the old routines.  After the trials of the past six months, this tiny glimpse of paradise has refreshed and inspired us, and I have no doubt that we will return in the future to retrieve the small piece of our hearts we are leaving for safe keeping.

On a final note, I notice from the BBC News Ticker that ‘the WHO have declared a global swine flu pandemic’.
That’s all well and good, as long as Daltry and Townshend treat the situation with gravity and decorum.  I mean, it’s not really a suitable subject for a rock opera is it?

A concept better than a deaf dumb and blind kid, or a step too far?