Mystic Mercer
Ian Mercer
Ian Mercer is a regular visitor to most of the watering holes in Heaton and is easily recognised by his rather deafening shirts. Unless it is seriously cold outside, he is also usually to be found wearing short trousers. You will usually find Ian carrying a large bag, the contents of which remain a mystery to this day, as noone in living memory has ever seen it opened, or anything put in or taken out…
Ian is a man of many talents and personas:
He is a highly sought after and qualified care worker (Nurse Mercer)
He is an English teacher (Mr. Mercer, or Sir for short)
He is a compulsive Karaoke singer, and can often be found in the Delvers on a Sunday night, working the crowd with his excellent rendition of old Rat Pack numbers (Mack the Mercer)
He is a craaaaaazy dancer. Nothing more needs to be said, just seek him out and watch…(Disco Mercer)
He is an uncannily skilled Tarot reader (Mystic Mercer)
He is often to be found in a quiet corner of the Fountain, reading the cards. Most people who have had a reading are astounded at the accuracy of his observations, and he will only accept a donation to charity as payment. He recently raised a tidy donation to the Tsunami Victims fund.
He has completed a cookery course and has often supplied the staff and customers of the Fountain Inn with samples of his work (including the notorious Mercers Morrocan Meatballs)
He is a member of the soon to be famous ‘Heaton Raven Haired Beauties’ (L’Oreal Mercer)
Ian wears spectacles. Last year, he proudly took delivery of a pair of Vari Focals. Pleased as punch, he thought he would now be able to read his newspaper without removing his glasses (which are ostensibly for distance viewing). However, fate was poised to land a cruel blow. His new vari focals made the situation worse, and he was often to be seen squinting at the page, finally removing his glasses or perching them on his forehead. Further investigations revealed that the company who had made them had manufactured and mounted the lenses upside down, so rendering the instruments useless!
Ian is very well travelled, and has spent much of his life working and travelling overseas, to places as far flung and diverse as the Middle East, India, New Zealand and Africa. He can often be found at the bar, boring regaling the regulars with stories of his adventures.
Ian works closely with an agency that supplies Filipina nurses to Bradford hospitals and care homes. The large contingent of bachelors in the village have often urged him to introduce the said nurses to them, ostensibly so that they could be welcomed into the community with ‘the Heaton hands of friendship’. However, Ian consistently declines, refusing to live up to his nickname ‘PimpDaddy Mercer’.
Mercer Miscellany:
His favourite cheese is Danish Blue
His favourite Back to the Future film was the first one. I suspect he didn’t understand the other 2!!
The strangest thing he ever wore was a family bucket of chicken bones. Without the bucket…
He is of a nervous disposition, and can often be found in the hedges on Wilmer Road, having jumped there in fright as one of his ‘friends’ hoots their horn at him as they drive past. This has since become a popular pastime for the regulars who know him!!
He hasn’t had his ears pierced, so when in Mystic mode, he substitutes two pence coins sellotaped to his ears for the more familiar gold hooped ear rings.
Ian has a huge heart and has time and patience for everybody. The Old Heatonian salutes a Local Hero!!
May 21, 2005 11:56 pm 
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