Introducing…

Local character Fanackapan, not content with being immortalised via the ‘Wall of Dave’ in the Kings Arms, has recently started his own website…

www.fanackapan.co.uk apparently seeks to address the lack of content about our hero on the woefully inadequately updated (at the moment) Old Heatonian, and serves as a braindump for the often bizarre thoughts that roll around his fevered mind.  Check it out – your brain will never forgive you!

Moving on, I found this article on an American newsite.

Given that the Kings Arms will soon be closing for a few days to get some essential maintenance out of the way (and hopefully, fingers crossed, the installation of the Mighty Dyson Airblade in the gents bogs), perhaps landlord Andy will consider installing similar equipment in the public bar, although aerosol Stella would be a better choice as far as I’m concerned…

INSTALL IT AND THEY WILL COME!!

Pussy Problems (2)

Further to yesterdays post, additional information has come to light…

As related in some detail in the comments, the curry that was purchased was intended to be consumed by the ‘Catsaver’, aka Cod. However, he had the misfortune of leaving it unattended while he bravely began to dismantle the house, leaving Rosie (fragrant wife of the RHQM), hungry from a long day, on supervision duty.

In an effort to ‘share the guilt’ when Fanackapan caught her tucking in, she shared it with him, leaving the poor Catsaver supperless. He had his revenge the following day though, by devouring Fanackapans chapattis when they went for a meal with the Hallidays to celebrate the return of Jess.

‘ I was gobsmacked to say the least’ moaned Fanackapan. ‘They disappeared so fast he may as well have inhaled them!’

Genitals NOT Exposed (part 2)

After they had been released by the police, Spike and Fanackapan retired to a curry house for a debriefing before continuing on to their destination, where by all accounts a good time was had, and many funds were transferred to the garter belts of naked women…

Thanks to Fanackapans efficient reportage – keeping Old Heatonian up to date almost in real time as the events of the night unfolded – we were well aware of what had happened, and when Spike joined us in the Kings on Saturday afternoon, my attention was temporarily diverted from tinkering with my new phone to mercilessly mock his misfortune. Spike however appeared determined to put the event behind him, and concentrated on getting a few down, such that when I rejoined him and Fanackapan later that day, he was fairly well oiled. After a couple of whiskeys, he left the pub – incidentally, forgetting his girlfriends umbrella in the process – to retire home, perchance to fall unconscious in a dreamless though fitful stupour. I myself wasn’t far behind, leaving Fanackapan to finish up and set off to meet an old school friend.

It wasn’t long before the phone started ringing, as Fanackapan frantically worked through his phonebook trying to find someone who may have ‘hidden’ his car keys. I wasn’t responsible, though I was concerned, enough to pause in thought, pizza in hand halfway to my mouth. Well, for a few seconds anyway – that was damn good pizza!

Apparently – such was his concern – Fanackapan persuaded the RHQM to ask over the PA whether anyone had found some keys, but to no avail. Fanackapans panic was compounded, however, when someone, quite out of the blue, asked him where his car was parked while relieving himself in the toilets. Drastic action was called for!

So, our hero borrowed some equipment and went to his car and removed 2 wheels in an effort to disable it. Once the job was complete, he had one more go at ringing Spike, who had failed to answer his earlier calls. Spikes dad answered and, completely failing to wake Spike from his slumber, agreed to search his pockets, where he found the keys! He then walked all the way back to the Kings to deliver them.

Fanackapan solemnly replaced his wheels, then returned to the pub to get wrecked, his earlier plans shattered along with his sanity.

Public Safety Warning

Motorists, wall builders and street sweepers across the region be warned…

Fanackapan is back on the road!

Friday – Not Much To Say So Far

I passed 3 ambulances – lights a-blazing and sirens a-warbling – on my way home last night…

Of course, my immediate thought was ‘for the love of god, some fool has lent Fanackapan a car!’

In other news, a Heaton resident has realised that the woman who invites you back for sexy times with her and her friends, then shaves your eyebrows off when you fall unconscious from the booze, is probably NOT marriage material!

Fanackered

For those exhibiting severe symptoms of morbid curiosity, have a look at these pics of Fanackapans Corsa in the scrap yard this morning, and be amazed at the lucky escape…