Christmas is Coming…

…and no doubt there are people out there considering purchasing a laptop or desktop PC as a gift for someone special.

If that is the case, now is also the time to start thinking about getting it set up correctly so that it will be safe to use and will work first time on Christmas Day, thus avoiding tears and tantrums as you realise that PC World is closed for the day.

You should also seriously consider making sure that your computer is adequately protected against viruses, and if you will be connecting to the internet, that a firewall is in place and set up correctly.  As my (ever growing) list of satisfied customers have found out, there are some beasties out there which will wreak havoc on your PC, never mind the everpresent danger of stealing your credit card and/or identity details.

Obviously, prevention is much better than an expensive cure.  In view of this, please consider the following:

For a flat fee of £25, I will visit you in your home at a time to suit you, ensure a suitable virus checker is in place on your equipment, configure your firewall and ensure (if required) that your broadband connection, plus any WiFi networking around the house is working correctly.  Any other services you require can be negotiated on booking.

I am also available for any PC configuration issues, virus removal and security advice, general PC repairs and upgrades and network/broadband/wifi problems, as well as bespoke dynamic website programming and design and very competitive web hosting packages for both personal and business use.

If you are still shopping around for a desktop PC, why not get in touch about that as well?  I do custom built designs tailored to your needs fully guaranteed at competitive prices, with a personal follow up service package second to none.  Get in touch for a quote.

If you are interested, please email me at oldh[at]oldheatonian.co.uk (replace [at] with @) with a subject line ‘PC Services’.  State brief details of the services you require and a contact telephone number, and I will be in touch.

Overheard in the Kings…

It is no secret that one of the bar staff at the Kings – the incorrigible Mr Woo – recently went on a disastrous date, escorting a young lady of pristine virtue to a tapas bar in Leeds…

…where he proceeded, via the medium of 5 pints of lovely lovely Stella and 2 bottles of the finest wines known to humanity, to get absolutely slaughtered, while his companion sipped delicately from a glass of diet coke.

‘Mr. Woo, given that you’d already shown yourself up good and proper by staggering around like a 2 bob watch, to the extent that she was walking 5 yards behind you while you made your way to the train station – it must have been obvious that she wouldn’t want to see you again.  So why, when you threw up in the taxi, didn’t you try and get it into her handbag?

You might have saved yourself a £50 cleaning bill!’

Career Change

Part of the remit of my hush hush job with the government means that I often come into contact with people looking for a change of career…

I spoke to one bloke the other day in such a position:

‘I really fancy being a farrier’

‘Well, that’s definitely a change of career’ I answered, ‘have you ever shoed an angry horse?’

‘No’ he replied, ‘but I once told a petulant pig to piss off!’

Ba Dum Ching!!

A Package Arrives (part 4) The Contents Revealed

…well, to be fair it was all a bit of an anti climax. The package contained 2 copies of a newsletter published (probably at great expense) by the ‘Save The Bradford Odeon’ campaign, detailing the latest news and views about the proposed plans to demolish the old Odeon cinema building. Presumably the intention was that I would write a piece about the campaign and publish it on Old Heatonian, although a complete lack of notes or any way of identifying who had sent it so I could talk to them about it precluded this immediately.

You see, in my eyes, the Odeon is an eyesore, and always has been in my lifetime – even when it was open for business.

My first memory of the Odeon was of the time when my mother took me to see Bedknobs and Broomsticks – sometime in the early 70′s I think – when I was but a wee lad. I remember it vividly, because it had just got to the bit when that Murder She Wrote woman had enchanted the bedknob to make the bed fly, when the lights came up, the sound went down and the manager, dressed in a tuxedo and ludicrously out of place dicky bow, walked on to the stage to announce that the building was on fire, and that we should all make our way out of the building in an orderly fashion. As an afterthought he added that our tickets would remain valid for a later showing, should the building survive this catastrophe.

A mere slip of a lad, I think I was more in awe of the sight of the fire engine and its huge ladders than I had been about a flying four poster.

My last memory of the Odeon was to see the Phantom Menace on it’s opening day – and the less said about that odious pile of donkey faeces the better – suffice to say I have tried in vain to scrub that memory out of my head for many years, to no avail.

In between, there were many ground breaking moments of my life accomplished in the Odeon – ranging from furtive fumbling and snogging in the dark with the female conquest du jour, through witnessing rats picking through discarded popcorn wrappers a few seats away from me while watching Nightmare on Elm Street 3, to the act of sheer carnal lust visited  upon me by an Australian girl of my aquaintance halfway through Toy Story. I haven’t been able to look at Woody in the same light since!

I watched every one of the first three Star Wars films there (back when Star Wars was good), including a marathon session one Bank Holiday when I sat through all three with my mates. This coincided with the weekend when I decided that I should finally use the L’Oreal black hair dye I had been hoarding for the last few months, and caused not a few raised eyebrows on my return to work.

But I have never found the Odeon to be an attractive building – the words ‘carbuncle’ and ‘eyesore’ have been associated with the building in my mind for as long as I can remember. Of course, I was sad when it finally closed down – there were a lot of memories of the place itself and what it had contributed to my life. But I have never been sentimental about the building itself, with its grubby red brick walls contrasting starkly with the ‘pseudo marble effect towers’ and the tiled lower entrances which look remarkably like the entrance to a public lavatory.

There is, however, a hard core group of people who think it should be preserved in some way in its present form. Fair enough, in some ways I can even find myself sympathising with them to the extent that I wouldn’t like to see another anonymous glass and steel and concrete monstrosity in it’s place. But neither do I think that the building contributes positively to the ambience of Bradford, such as it is with its derelict buildings and abandoned building sites.

The architectural heart of Bradford City Centre was torn out years ago with the demolition of Swan Arcade and the old Kirkgate Market, and the rot has never really gone away since. Some point to the successful rebuilding of the Alhambra many years ago as an example of what could (or should) be attempted with the Odeon. But the Alhambra was a beautiful building to begin with…

What do you think?

A Package Arrives! part 3 Speculation on The Contents

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I finally examined the contents of the envelope…

Given that it had been addressed to Old Heatonian, I thought it may have been photographs, or possibly something from the Hallidays announcing that they had either a) lost another pet somewhere or b) had passed the three week mark WITHOUT losing a pet, and were enclosing a copy of their certificate from the Cat Protection League to prove it. Or even c) a copy of the bill they had had to pay for rebuilding the bathroom the last time they ‘mislaid’ something around the house.

But no. It was something quite unexpected, and something which puzzled me as to its provenance, given that there was no explanatory note, or any indication as to who had sent it or what they wanted me to do with it.

The attending members of the Grumpy Club were almost as puzzled as I was.

It was…

To be continued

A Package Arrives pt 2 – Is It Safe?

Continued

The air of expectation in the pub was almost palpable – puctuated by random grumbles ‘geronwivit’ – as I mischeviously pretended to struggle to open the relatively non-descript envelope…

It was addressed to ‘Funk – Old Heatonian’, and had been pushed through the pub letterbox – presumably sometime earlier in the morning. 

Given the nations heightened state of awareness of all things ‘terrorist’, I was of course reluctant to rush into anything, fearing retribution from any one of the, shall we say, unwitting contributors to our ongoing account of village life.  So I sniffed the package all over, searching for the tell tale odour of marzipan or any unusual chemical smell. 

I examined it minutely, looking for pinholes placed to allow an explosive compound to ‘breathe’. 

I flexed it cautiously, hefting it to determine any unusual weight distribution which may betray the presence of batteries or timing mechanisms.

I fingered it delicately, searching in vain for the telltale sign of wires.

At last, finally satisfied that the parcel would do no harm, I slowly, and methodically, began to tear open the flap…

To be continued

Welcome To The World

Old Heatonian would like to welcome Mathilda Halliday to the world…

Claire Halliday finally gave birth to her daughter, Mathilda on Wednesday 4th November. Both mother and daughter are doing fine – one can only assume that Neil, the proud father is too!

Congratulations!

A Package Arrives!

A few months ago, one bright and sunny Sunday morning and quite out of the blue, my mobile rang:

‘Moo Moo’ (for my ringtone is derived from the multifaceted works of the mighty Justified Ancients of Mu Mu (aka KLF))
‘Moo Moo’
‘Hello, Old Heatonian speaking’
‘Funk, there’s a package been delivered for you up at the Kings’

Intrigued, and more than a little excited, considering that Sunday was a strange day to be receiving packages anywhere, let alone the local hostelry.  I quickly paused the V+Box (on which I had been viewing the previous days Saturday Kitchen, in search of inspiration for tasty tidbits), left the house and fired up the Funkmobile.  On the way, I wondered whether the whole thing may have been a cunning ruse, designed to get me in to the pub a little earlier – perhaps the barstaff were in need of company? 

Nevertheless, mere minutes later I was settled comfortably at the sewing tables, with a lovely lovely Stella fizzing merrily in front of me, as I considered the large, thickly stuffed brown envelope I had been handed on my arrival, the assembled throng of a majority of the Grumpy Club eagerly anticipating its contents…

To be continued

Back, Bad, Mean, Mad!

As has been pointed out by an increasing number of my peers in the village (and outside the village), it has definitely been a while since I updated this website…

The reasons are many and ultimately too mundane to relate here, although they can be summed up by saying ‘too many things have changed in my life over the last few months for my priorities to be focussed on the Old Heatonian’.

I have considered just leaving it alone, and just allowing Old Heatonian to fade away into distant and, hopefully, fond memory.

However, what with the ‘Garden Lane Flowerpot Scandal’ repeatedly turning up on the increasingly turgid agenda of the Kings Arms Afternoon Grumpy Club, and the surprising admission the other day by a local baker that he’d ‘emptied his sack’ in front of a council health and safety inspector, how could I resist having another go at it?

Normal service is expected soon…

What Could It Be? It’s a…

Ooer! Cross your legs!

“clamped”, “locking arms”, “rotated” and “clicked completely shut.”

All words used in the instruction manual for the device we have been speculating about this week.

Afterfour days of deliberation, it’s time to reveal the answer…

As I stated, those amongst you who declared the object to be some form of penis enlargement device were actually in the right area, but in reality it is quite the opposite.

No, as guessed almost correctly by the Bedmaster, this is a ‘Home Circumcision Device’.  I found it here .  However, don’t speculate too much on what sort of person would browse for things like this – it was quite by accident!

Unfortunately, nil funds in the Old Heatonian coffers dictate there is no prize for guessing, but thanks for playing.