Music Teachers Ruined My Life

“Don’t think of yesterday
And I don’t look at the clock
I like to boogie-woogie, uh, uh
It’s like riding on the wind
And it never goes away
Touches everything I’m in
Got to have it everyday”

M L Ciccone 2000

Friday 17th April saw Mrs Funk and I pay a visit to the Kings Arms to watch band de jour ‘Misspent Youth’ perform…

Misspent Youth is without a doubt Mrs Funks favourite pub band, as she likes to watch the drummer lose his stick while performing a particularly complex lick.  I think overall they are good, but as stated previously on this site, they play FAR too many Dire Straits covers for my taste.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my own musical career.

I always fancied myself as a bit of a singer, and at middle school I joined the school choir in order to hone my skills.  However, my career was shortlived – I still cry myself to sleep sometimes when I remember the moment when Mr Sutcliffe – school maestro and leader of the choir – stopped me in the corridor and asked me in no uncertain terms to ‘desist immediately from coming to choir practice, as my voice was breaking and I sounded absolutely awful.  Truly truly terrible’.

Another sensitive 11 year old, dreams crushed and life warped irrevocably by an unfeeling music teacher.

I withdrew into myself, tears welling every time the choir performed at morning assembly, wishing that I was there, up front, singing my heart out for the school.

So, I joined the drama group, and my abilities as a thespian soon catapulted me into leading roles, not least of which was my role as the ‘Plum Pudding Flea’ in the schools production of ‘The Owl and The Pussycat Went to See‘.

The Plum Pudding Flea was the baddie, and much of my role involved me bounding around on one leg and shouting at the audience.  Much to the chagrin of Mr Sutcliffe, the role also involved me singing a solo song – ‘I’m Stuck!’, which I sang when my character got stuck in a honey trap (which unfortunately didn’t involve me being seduced by a sultry bumble bee in an effort to get me to slip up and reveal my dastardly intentions in the heat of sexual ecstasy – it just wasn’t that kind of play!).

My voice by this time was broken irrevocably, but was very loud – leading me to be named the ‘loudest schoolboy in Bradford’ by the then Lord Mayor.

Fast forward a few years to my first day at Upper School.  A nervous and sensitive young lad I was, trapped in a class of strangers, walking down the corridor of the music block with a pack of people I had only just met that day.  All of a sudden, Mr Holland, a large elderly gentleman and head of the music department popped his head out of his classroom, took one look at your faithful narrator and boomed:

‘I know you!!  You were that Plum Pudding Fairy weren’t you’

I could have died of embarassment, and the tears welled as I remembered my treatment at the hands of Mr Sutcliffe.

Another 13 year old, dreams crushed and life warped irrevocably by another f**king music teacher!

It took a good 2 years before the name calling and random acts of plum pudding flea related mindless violence finally stopped.  A girl I dated briefly after a mixup at the school disco muckied her ticket when she asked me to give her a rendition of ‘I’m Stuck’ before she’d snog me!

Anyway, that’s why I don’t like music teachers.  I do like music though.  One of my favourite tracks of all time is ‘Baker Street’ by poor mad Gerry Rafferty, particularly the masterful saxophone solo which punctuates the sublime lyrics.  It’s one of my (sadly) unfulfilled ambitions to learn how to play the saxophone solo from Baker Street, and maybe just sit on the corner of Baker Street and play it, just for the love of it.

(Note:other impossible musical ambitions include playing the theme from All Creatures Great and Small on the piano)

Anyway, this brings me nicely back to the Misspent Youth gig last Friday:

They f**king CRUCIFIED Baker Street!  I may never forgive them, no matter how much they get me ‘rocking all over the world’ with impromptu Status Quo covers!

I bet the lead guitarist is a music teacher…

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