Pussy Problems

Residents of Ashwell Road, trying desperately to get a good nights sleep in preparation for the new working week ahead, may be forgiven for thinking that the very legions of hell were sweeping through the village in the early hours of Monday morning and demolishing the venerable terraces brick by brick.  The truth of course, this being Heaton, was slightly more mundane…

Hot on the heels of their tearful reunion with Charlie, the Hallidays had lost another cat!

However, this time round, they at least knew where ‘Jess’ had gone – into the wall cavities, in the bathroom area.  After 3 or 4 fruitless days of laying out bowls of Whiskas and rattling her favourite toys in an attempt to persuade her to make her way out of her pussy prison of her own accord, a drunken conversation in the pub with a well known feline fondler – Fanackapan – led to the decision to finally take drastic action.  So, a curry was ordered, last beers were swigged off, and the Hallidays, Fanackapan and local traction engine restorer ‘Cod’ made their way round to the house.

Fanackapan was a good choice of companion to try and lure the mournful moggy out of the wall, as cats appear to like him a lot, as the semi permanent patina of cat hairs on his jacket will no doubt testify.  Even Mrs Doyle, the normally elusive pub cat from the Kings makes a beeline for him as soon as he appears.  However, the lure of the sofa was too much for him, and he was soon fast asleep, leaving Cod and the Hallidays to put their plan into action.

After breaking in to the empty house next door (the police were informed that this was happening by the way) to see if they could lure her through the other side of the wall – unfortunately with no success – drastic measures were called for.  So, armed only with a chisel, Cod started to dismantle the bathroom, brick by brick.  At 4 in the morning.  By this time, the big hearted engineer was determined to get the cat out of its fix, it’s plaintive mewling tugging at his heart strings.  So the pile of rubble in the bathroom grew and grew as more and more plaster and mortar were removed.  But to no avail.  Mindful of the working day ahead, both Neil and finally Cod downed tools to call it a night, vowing to continue the following evening.

Once all the kerfuffle had died down, a bedraggled Jess finally emerged from behind a brick that Cod had loosened earlier, and an ecstatic Claire Bear – with rapidly reddening bump on her forehead from a piece of falling masonry – grabbed her and took her from the bathroom, wedging the door shut behind her.

So, the cat is now safe, and with the tenacity that marks this unique branch of the animal kingdom, is showing no ill effects from her ordeal.  Which leaves us with one question: -

‘Does anyone know a good plasterer?’

1 Comment

• By Fanackapan, January 14, 2009 @ 5:55 pm

  Indeed a night of trauma was had, starting out with the breaking and entering upon which i completely lost balance getting my foot stuck in the sink and falling arse over elbow onto the laminate flooring, must to the amusement of Mr Halliday. At least it brought a smile to his face. To add insult to injury back in his and Claire Bears house they had both failed to notify me that they had put a large tin of Mackeral fillets in the hole under the bath to try and entice the cat back out. When i put my hand in it the experience can only be compared to contracting the bubonic plague, as it had grown hair, turned black and smelt BLOODY AWFUL! I still have my hand dipped in bleach as we speak. We were all very pleased at Mrs RHQM’s helpful hints throughout the experience however who talked us through everything. One suggestion of starting in York and removing every brick from there just to be thorough was most notable. My suggestion of starting a little closer to home and burrowing through to the cat sanctuary of Bedmaster and Jobcentreplus’s house seemed more plausable, where we would have probably found Jess feasting on some of their FRESH Mackeral fillets.
  The biggest insult in the evening though revolves around Cod’s curry. When I eventually did get exhausted I made my way down to the couch for a snooze where i found Mrs RHQM looking hungry. I actually didn’t know who the curry belonged to and felt honored when Mrs RHQM agreed to share it with me. Cod went home starving with a flea in his ear. Best place to have it.
  Glad we got the cat though!

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