Bits

Mixed emotions in the village this weekend…

Joy, as I returned from my extended sojourn in London to be reunited with the fragrant Mrs Funk.

Violence, as Kings Arms barmaid ‘Aberystwithface’ caught Fanackapan one across the face with a fistful of rings.

Frustration, as the lovely Chelsea experienced disillusionment with her driving lessons.

Optimism, as the Hallidays celebrated a fairly extended period of time without losing any cats.

Anticipation, as the day draws near when Gruff junior will finally be born and take his rightful place in the village.

Hunger, as Dribbly buys a pizza for £1, only to realise that he has no facilities at home with which to cook it.

And sadness…

Friday saw barman Dom and his family say goodbye to and celebrate the life of their father, who recently lost a long battle with illness.  I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that our hearts go out to them, and their friends will always be there when needed over this difficult period.

Topical?

Pussy Problems (2)

Further to yesterdays post, additional information has come to light…

As related in some detail in the comments, the curry that was purchased was intended to be consumed by the ‘Catsaver’, aka Cod. However, he had the misfortune of leaving it unattended while he bravely began to dismantle the house, leaving Rosie (fragrant wife of the RHQM), hungry from a long day, on supervision duty.

In an effort to ‘share the guilt’ when Fanackapan caught her tucking in, she shared it with him, leaving the poor Catsaver supperless. He had his revenge the following day though, by devouring Fanackapans chapattis when they went for a meal with the Hallidays to celebrate the return of Jess.

‘ I was gobsmacked to say the least’ moaned Fanackapan. ‘They disappeared so fast he may as well have inhaled them!’

Pussy Problems

Residents of Ashwell Road, trying desperately to get a good nights sleep in preparation for the new working week ahead, may be forgiven for thinking that the very legions of hell were sweeping through the village in the early hours of Monday morning and demolishing the venerable terraces brick by brick.  The truth of course, this being Heaton, was slightly more mundane…

Hot on the heels of their tearful reunion with Charlie, the Hallidays had lost another cat!

However, this time round, they at least knew where ‘Jess’ had gone – into the wall cavities, in the bathroom area.  After 3 or 4 fruitless days of laying out bowls of Whiskas and rattling her favourite toys in an attempt to persuade her to make her way out of her pussy prison of her own accord, a drunken conversation in the pub with a well known feline fondler – Fanackapan – led to the decision to finally take drastic action.  So, a curry was ordered, last beers were swigged off, and the Hallidays, Fanackapan and local traction engine restorer ‘Cod’ made their way round to the house.

Fanackapan was a good choice of companion to try and lure the mournful moggy out of the wall, as cats appear to like him a lot, as the semi permanent patina of cat hairs on his jacket will no doubt testify.  Even Mrs Doyle, the normally elusive pub cat from the Kings makes a beeline for him as soon as he appears.  However, the lure of the sofa was too much for him, and he was soon fast asleep, leaving Cod and the Hallidays to put their plan into action.

After breaking in to the empty house next door (the police were informed that this was happening by the way) to see if they could lure her through the other side of the wall – unfortunately with no success – drastic measures were called for.  So, armed only with a chisel, Cod started to dismantle the bathroom, brick by brick.  At 4 in the morning.  By this time, the big hearted engineer was determined to get the cat out of its fix, it’s plaintive mewling tugging at his heart strings.  So the pile of rubble in the bathroom grew and grew as more and more plaster and mortar were removed.  But to no avail.  Mindful of the working day ahead, both Neil and finally Cod downed tools to call it a night, vowing to continue the following evening.

Once all the kerfuffle had died down, a bedraggled Jess finally emerged from behind a brick that Cod had loosened earlier, and an ecstatic Claire Bear – with rapidly reddening bump on her forehead from a piece of falling masonry – grabbed her and took her from the bathroom, wedging the door shut behind her.

So, the cat is now safe, and with the tenacity that marks this unique branch of the animal kingdom, is showing no ill effects from her ordeal.  Which leaves us with one question: -

‘Does anyone know a good plasterer?’

Happy New Year!

With the inevitability of night following day, the holiday season is over…

Heatonians – and indeed people the world over – breathe a sigh of acceptance and return to work, Christmas once again a rapidly diminishing memory.  Time to rev up the Old Heatonian again.

Christmas was a fairly subdued time last year for most people, no doubt as the credit crunch begins to bite and the stark reality of potential redundancy begins to dawn.  However, Heatonians in particular are rarely daunted and business has been fairly brisk in the village, as we collectively braved the sub arctic temperatures to huddle together in the hostelries to swap stories and gifts and share the communal warmth that typifies this wonderful community.

Even Donald ‘Hutchy’ Hutchinson, the original ‘grumpy old man’ of the village managed to cheer us all up a bit, making all too rare visits to the pub to dispense some of his sage, idiosyncratic wisdom, and tease us all with the prospect of a jar of his famous homemade picalilli.  I’m sure I speak for us all when I wish him the very very best for 2009.

Moving forward into a new year where the people of Palestine face calamity at the hands of an occupying force, the staff of countless high street stores face an uncertain future and shoppers face a distinct lack of places to shop, rest assured that Old Heatonian  will continue as it always has, observing the comedic and tragic alike and reporting here for your entertainment and enlightenment.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas, and good luck for 2009!

Phil