Old Heatonian

Genitals NOT Exposed (part 2)

After they had been released by the police, Spike and Fanackapan retired to a curry house for a debriefing before continuing on to their destination, where by all accounts a good time was had, and many funds were transferred to the garter belts of naked women…

Thanks to Fanackapans efficient reportage – keeping Old Heatonian up to date almost in real time as the events of the night unfolded – we were well aware of what had happened, and when Spike joined us in the Kings on Saturday afternoon, my attention was temporarily diverted from tinkering with my new phone to mercilessly mock his misfortune. Spike however appeared determined to put the event behind him, and concentrated on getting a few down, such that when I rejoined him and Fanackapan later that day, he was fairly well oiled. After a couple of whiskeys, he left the pub – incidentally, forgetting his girlfriends umbrella in the process – to retire home, perchance to fall unconscious in a dreamless though fitful stupour. I myself wasn’t far behind, leaving Fanackapan to finish up and set off to meet an old school friend.

It wasn’t long before the phone started ringing, as Fanackapan frantically worked through his phonebook trying to find someone who may have ‘hidden’ his car keys. I wasn’t responsible, though I was concerned, enough to pause in thought, pizza in hand halfway to my mouth. Well, for a few seconds anyway – that was damn good pizza!

Apparently – such was his concern – Fanackapan persuaded the RHQM to ask over the PA whether anyone had found some keys, but to no avail. Fanackapans panic was compounded, however, when someone, quite out of the blue, asked him where his car was parked while relieving himself in the toilets. Drastic action was called for!

So, our hero borrowed some equipment and went to his car and removed 2 wheels in an effort to disable it. Once the job was complete, he had one more go at ringing Spike, who had failed to answer his earlier calls. Spikes dad answered and, completely failing to wake Spike from his slumber, agreed to search his pockets, where he found the keys! He then walked all the way back to the Kings to deliver them.

Fanackapan solemnly replaced his wheels, then returned to the pub to get wrecked, his earlier plans shattered along with his sanity.

Fanackapan | Funk | December 23, 2008

3 Comments

By RHQM, December 23, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

A warning from the Landlord of the Kings Arms – having spoken to Spike about Fanackapan’s missing keys he is adamant that “someone must have put them in my pocket”. Having suffered a missing item (my cig tin) one week previous, and after finding it in Herbie’s coat pocket (which Herbie was wearing at the time) he too stated “someone must have put it in my pocket”! So be warned everyone – there appears to be someone going around in the Kings taking things and putting them in other peoples pockets.
By Fanackapan, December 24, 2008 @ 4:17 pm

I have a strangely morbid assumption that to excape from boredom, Herbie and Spike have both entered a pact to disturb the peace in the King’s. This involves upsetting the general status quo and removing peoples possessions. Upon finding said keys and cig tin both have developed a psychological game to lure the victim into mental breakdown, WHICH BLOODY WORKED SPIKE YOU PRAT NINKOMPOOP! Anyway, their plan is now foiled and has been brought into the open. Does anyone have any cunning ideas to cause mental breakdown to said culprits. Answers on a postcard to:

RHQM
THE KING’S ARMS HEATON,
10 HIGHGATE
HEATON,
WEST YORKSHIRE,
BD9 4BB
By spike, December 25, 2008 @ 7:45 pm

I’m Telling you, I’m absolutely positively sure that I didn’t pick up those keys, I’ve been framed I tell you.

All I can say in my defence is that I’ve never in 11 years of frequenting pubs taken someone else’s keys by mistake, and furthermore! wouldn’t take my keys to the kings anyway unless i was gonna use my car. And i think people noticed I certainly wasn’t going to use my car after I left so therefore have a pretty good defence in this key scenario.

I have some suspicions on who “placed” the keys in my pocket and once I’ve watched another couple of episodes of CSI miami I will deliver a very Poirot style deliverance of the guilty party thus exposing their cunning game!

But in other Topics, except from the police, twas a good night out, Fanackapan had a wonderful lamb bhuna and I had a mixed grill from the Nawaarbs? restaurant, left as you come out of the station (not sure of name) is highly recommended by me and Fanackerpants. Aswas the blue coyote , allthough it was difficult to part with our money as the lovely ladies there wasnt wearing garter belts.