Genitals NOT Exposed (part 2)

After they had been released by the police, Spike and Fanackapan retired to a curry house for a debriefing before continuing on to their destination, where by all accounts a good time was had, and many funds were transferred to the garter belts of naked women…

Thanks to Fanackapans efficient reportage – keeping Old Heatonian up to date almost in real time as the events of the night unfolded – we were well aware of what had happened, and when Spike joined us in the Kings on Saturday afternoon, my attention was temporarily diverted from tinkering with my new phone to mercilessly mock his misfortune. Spike however appeared determined to put the event behind him, and concentrated on getting a few down, such that when I rejoined him and Fanackapan later that day, he was fairly well oiled. After a couple of whiskeys, he left the pub – incidentally, forgetting his girlfriends umbrella in the process – to retire home, perchance to fall unconscious in a dreamless though fitful stupour. I myself wasn’t far behind, leaving Fanackapan to finish up and set off to meet an old school friend.

It wasn’t long before the phone started ringing, as Fanackapan frantically worked through his phonebook trying to find someone who may have ‘hidden’ his car keys. I wasn’t responsible, though I was concerned, enough to pause in thought, pizza in hand halfway to my mouth. Well, for a few seconds anyway – that was damn good pizza!

Apparently – such was his concern – Fanackapan persuaded the RHQM to ask over the PA whether anyone had found some keys, but to no avail. Fanackapans panic was compounded, however, when someone, quite out of the blue, asked him where his car was parked while relieving himself in the toilets. Drastic action was called for!

So, our hero borrowed some equipment and went to his car and removed 2 wheels in an effort to disable it. Once the job was complete, he had one more go at ringing Spike, who had failed to answer his earlier calls. Spikes dad answered and, completely failing to wake Spike from his slumber, agreed to search his pockets, where he found the keys! He then walked all the way back to the Kings to deliver them.

Fanackapan solemnly replaced his wheels, then returned to the pub to get wrecked, his earlier plans shattered along with his sanity.

Genitals NOT exposed

It was an exciting night on Friday, for a couple of Heaton regulars anyway…

For weeks now, Spike and Fanackapan have been planning a trip to Leeds, to study and perhaps participate in the activities at one of the premier fleshpots of the North – The Blue Coyote (Link possibly not safe for work!).

However, their ardour was diminished somewhat when they alighted from the train.  ‘Charlie’, sniffer dog supreme and essential frontline tool in the war against drugs and possibly various shades of terror, took a bit of a shine to Spike.  Prompted by Charlies attention, West Yorkshires finest boys in blue pounced and escorted our non plussed hero off to the on site police station, with a cackling Fanackapan in hot pursuit.

After a good, thorough, but ultimately fruitless search (Spike has consistently chosen not to reveal whether an ‘intimate’ search was carried out, although he does go quite misty eyed when the subject is mentioned), the interrogation began:

‘Why did Charlie stop you then?’

Not having access to Charlies operating parameters, it was difficult for Spike to answer this question, although he did reveal that he had shared a car with someone who was smoking a joint, so perhaps the residue from that had triggered a response… who knows?  Spike revealed that he was a graphic designer by trade, so eventually the police chalked it up to the ‘inks’ that Spike uses and released him to continue his evening, after handing him his ‘pink slip’, with the details of his arrest.  I quote:

‘Stopped by dog Charlie.  Scruffy facial hair – genitals not exposed’.

Of course, this was BEFORE they got to the Blue Coyote…

Archives

Regular visitors may notice the re-appearance of the ‘Past Posts’ section in the first side bar…

Try looking at the drop down menu.  Go on, I dare you.  YES, the Old Heatonian archives are finally back on line!

Go on, have a look around – among the crap you may find something to amuse.

Winding…

It was interesting to hear Dubyas reaction to having shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist, who obviously felt quite strongly about his sovereign nation being invaded by the US, so that they could steal the oil:

‘I don’t know what his beef is?’

Here We Go Again…

Like a Leviathon disturbed from it’s millenial slumber, Banjaxed has once again been prompted to comment…

However, the issue at hand is nothing so trivial as a bun fight about the rights or wrongs of the general xenophobic tendencies of the great unwashed.  No, it’s more important than that.

2 female commentors are currently engaged in a bit of a slanging match, which started over one of the protagonists having the cheek to express a negative opinion about the recent Eddie Earthquake and the Tremors gig.  This has quickly escalated into a round of cat calling, which has explored such subjects as age, educational achievements, the ability of their parents to raise and educate them properly, and mooching around on street corners wearing hoodies, which may or may not be used to disguise how ugly they must be, to name but a few.  Really, it’s rivetting stuff!  I’d start off on the ‘That Was the Weekend That Was’ post for the initial broadsides, then move quickly onto ‘Mixed Emotions’ if you want to keep up with the action.

One of the protagonists has proposed a ‘meeting of mums’ at the Kings on Friday night.  Girls, can you let me know if this is going to happen?  If so, I’ll arrange for some skimpy swimwear and a big pool of jelly to be available so you can sort it out in the good old fashioned way.  I’m sure Frank and the boys from Milestone wouldn’t mind delaying the start of their Christmas Party gig in favour of a bit of mild hair pulling, nipping and some indian burns!

In other news, shocking footage has emerged of a local refusenik spending a nice quiet night in with some friends:

At home with the boys?

And finally, Fanackapan celebrated his 45th birthday yesterday, with a few beers and glasses of champers with his mates in the pub.

Happy Birthday mate, you wear your years well!

Seperated at Birth?

There have been a few murmurings amongst my so called mates about my alleged resemblance to Alan Carr, toothsome host of the Friday Night Project among others…

Well, hopefully, the enclosed fairly recent photograph will serve to dispell any further rumours:

I always have problems at Customs

Mixed Emotions

Mixed feelings in the comments this week…

Eddie Earthquake – the concensus seems to be you either think he’s ace, or think he’s crap.  Although, judging by the over the top level of gushing exuberance exhibited by ‘Hatty’, I would suspect that he/she is connected to the band, possibly in some intimate way?

Miss Matchmaker has aroused the wrath of the RHQM by expressing an extremely negative opinion about the band- I should have warned you about that Matchy.  And ‘Jimbo’ doesn’t appear to like the Old Heatonian, but logs in on average 3 times a day anyway!  Oh well, you can’t please everybody I suppose.

We were saddened this week to learn of the death of Oliver Postgate, creator of some of the most well-loved childrens television characters ever (at least from my childhood anyway), such ‘Ivor the Engine’, ‘The Clangers’ and, of course ‘Bagpuss’.

I sat in front of Photoshop for hours last night, trying to compose an image with which to pay tribute to this genius, but failed miserably.  Perhaps the closing lines of his most famous creation will suffice:

And when Bagpuss was asleep,
All his friends were asleep.
The mice were ornaments on the mouse organ.
Gabriel and Madeleine were just dolls.
Professor Yaffle was just an old wooden bookend in the shape of a woodpecker.
Even Bagpuss himself, once he was asleep, was just an old, saggy cloth cat,
Baggy, and a bit loose at the seams,
But Emily loved him

RIP Oliver Postgate

That Was The Weekend That Was

Mixed emotions all round in the village this weekend…

First of all, phase one of the upgrade to Old Heatonian went without a hitch.  Hoorah!  I still have quite a bit of work to do before anyone sees the benefit on the front page though, but it all looks very cool back here.

Apparently, we were name checked by ‘Eddie Earthquake’ on Friday night in the Kings, when he made a sarcy comment referring to my recent review of his last gig.  He announced that he was about to ‘murder an Everley Brothers number’ – possibly to warn fans of the band that they should take the opportunity to nip out to the smoking shelter?  Who knows?  Anyway, he dedicated the track to the ‘old fogey’ who runs the Old Heatonian.  Bloody cheek!  To think I held the door open while they struggled in with their gear as well!

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend on Friday night, but by all accounts the gig went well and everyone enjoyed it.  ‘Drumming Tom’ was on fine form, and with the help of my partner in crime – Fanackapan – I now have high quality footage of him in action, to do with as I will.

Mr Woo, in an effort to fend off accusations of homophobia, took it upon himself to prove otherwise, and grabbed one of his friends in the Kings and gave him a long, long kiss.  Then, obviously enjoying the sensation, gave him another.  Start of a blossoming relationship?  Or is he just practising for some hot action with his transexual colleague at work?  Only time will tell…

In other news, the Christmas decorations were assembled at the Kings yesterday.  Legal Maid, in an obvious attempt to prove she doesn’t ALWAYS suck the fun out of things, took it upon herself to spend the best part of the afternoon making little Santa hats to stick all over the ‘Wall of Dave’.  And very nice they all looked too!  Let’s just hope that when the festive season is over, they can be removed without damaging any of the unique artwork on display there…

Finally, our thoughts are with our friend who is going through a difficult time with his family at the moment.  Fingers crossed that things improve in time for Christmas mate!

Funk

Snowed In

Well, it all looks a bit grim out there this morning…

The snow promised by the Met Office has arrived promptly and in abundance.  I tried earlier to get my car out, but to no avail – looks like I’m stuck here for the forseeable anyway.  I suspect that Legal ‘Slipper’ Maid will be staying in today and protecting her ass.

Last nights Lotto draw didn’t give me any cause to celebrate either – my number in the Lotto Bingo was ignored by fate again, although I suspect a few players will be sharing the prize.

Anyway, has anyone noticed that ‘Virginia Bottomley’ is an anagram of ‘Im an evil Tory Bigot’?

Early, Cold and Long

So far, this week has been one of very early starts and long journeys…

My job as a software consultant often takes me away from beloved Bradford to visit customers, providing them with training and consultancy on the implementation of the applications we provide.  This may seem glamorous to those who have not tried it – don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it – but scraping the car at 6:15 in the morning in an effort to get to Wolverhampton for 9:30 – 10:00am soon puts the whole thing in perspective.

Yesterdays experience was particularly arduous, as the snow caused all sorts of problems on the M62, stretching a 3/4 hour phase of the journey out to over 2 hours.  Oh well, at least I had plenty of thinking time.

While driving, I often think of many ideas of things to write about on the Old Heatonian, often composing whole articles in my head as I fight my way through the traffic.  Unfortunately, they are almost always forgotten by the time I come to sit here at my keyboard.  When I discussed this with Mrs Funk, she suggested I should use my dictaphone.  However, as I pointed out in no uncertain terms, the buttons are far too small, and in the interests of keeping within the law, voice activated dialling is good enough for me!

In other news, anticipation is now almost at fever pitch in the Kings, as the Lotto Bingo rolled over yet again last week, meaning the prize pot is now at an unprecedented £1040, with 16 players waiting for one number.  Most other players are waiting for 2 numbers, so it is highly likely that the prize will go tonight.  Good luck everyone, and remember your old mate Funk when buying a round at the bar if you win.  Landlord Andy recommends making sure you have paid your stake before the draw.

Finally, WordPress, the engine which drives the main functionality of the Old Heatonian, is undergoing a major upgrade this week, which I hope to apply asap, as among other things it will improve the way that comments work, as well as many other improvements in the backend (the bit I see).  Consequently, we may experience some disruption, as I fix the code that I have written to take account of the changes, so please bear with me if you notice anything strange – normal service will be resumed.