Late Comers Welcome

Apologies if this all sounds a bit breathless – I’ve been in the Kings!

It all began Saturday afternoon in the Kings. Our resident sewage expert was pontificating about his skills, but focusing on his (as yet unproved) equestrian abilities:

‘You think it’s all a bit girly ‘cos it’s mainly a girls sport, but I reckon Show Jumping is the worlds most dangerous sport’

To be fair, I was happy to concede that he may have had a point if we took into account the whole spectrum of equestrian sports, like steeplechase horse racing for example. So we opened the question up to the merry bunch of regulars attempting to have a quiet pint.

‘What, in your opinion, focusing on mortality rate, do you think is the most dangerous sport?’

Well, opinions were split! One suggested Mountaineering, while another suggested Base Jumping. One guy even suggested Fishing! One thing was for certain though – in public, in the middle of a public house, with ne’er a care for public opinion so focussed we were on the issue(s) at hand – we were Mass Debating!

Potential answers were considered and rejected in ever quickening succession as we communally sought finality, batting ideas back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back….and forth, baaaaack……and FORTH!!!!

Finally, apparently History Tom came up with the answer to the delight of all late comers – fishing, as per his dial up text ‘answer to everything’ service. But frankly, by that time most people were outside having a satisfying fag and couldn’t really give a toss!

Due to the success of this excercise, we are planning a regular Mass Debation session in the Kings every Saturday afternoon.

Look out for the list to sign up!

New Logo

Here is the new logo for the ‘Office of Government Commerce’:

Not very interesting… until you look at it with your head tilted to the left.

Now THERE’S a government department with a firm grip on it’s activities!

St Georges Day

Well, I was pleasantly surprised this morning when the presenters of BBC News almost started to make a song and dance about it being St Georges Day…

Apparently, the flag of St George is to be flown at Downing Street today in celebration of the day!

This appears to be in response to an ‘Early Day Motion‘ tabled in the house of commons on 25th March.

It’s about time that England found it within itself to find an excuse to celebrate being english, although I still have my doubts about the suitability of St George as our patron saint, given the ambiguity about who he was supposed to be. Although, in this day and age I suppose that is a fairly honest reflection of what it is to be English anyway.

To be fair, I almost forgot that it was St Georges day myself. However, my trusty reminder service from Interflora (which I inadvertently signed up for when I sent some flowers online to Mrs Funks mother the other week) came to the rescue, sending me an email reminding me that they still sell flowers, even on St Georges day. (Other, upcoming events which I may wish to celebrate by sending some flowers to someone include the Bank Holiday on 5th May(?) apparently).

Even our local ‘ambiguously Irish’ businessman has got in on the act, offering a night of entertainment and a free supper to celebrate the day, at the Kings tonight.

So why not add weight to your national day – visit the Kings for a celebratory pint, and lobby your local MP (Marsha Singh if you are an Heatonian)  to ensure that he becomes a member of the ‘St George’s Day All Party Parliamentery Group’ , so that he can best serve your interests in the future.

Or failing that, send some random flowers to someone – that’ll always brighten someones day!

Strange Diets

A few years ago, I was the proud keeper of two beautiful dogs.

One day, I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till…

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because last time I’d ended up in the hospital.

I had lost 50 pounds, but waking up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms had freaked me out at the time.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I felt it was worth trying it again.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no…

…it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car had hit me!

Flu!

And that’s proper flu, not your namby pamby man-flu!

Your humble author has been laid low by this horrible sickness the past week or so. Much, I may say, to the chagrin of the local hostelries, who have seen a marked decrease in Stella sales while I have tossed and turned in my sick bed.

The source of this disease? I put it down to compassion. Compassion for a friend who I found tearful at the bar, sniffling away.

‘God! Haven’t you shaken that cold off yet – you look like you should be in bed’

‘No, and I’ve just buried my cat as well’

Yeah, compassion. Compassion for the suffering of my fellow man, which tempted me to offer a compassionate hug, thereby becoming the unwitting recipient of the worst flu virus to hit the village since… well, the last time there was any proper flu around.

Newly registered commentor – the ‘Bed Master’ – even goes so far as to suggest that the person in question may have been responsible for the problems we had with the website recently(?).

And History Tom – who will by now be looking forward to his lie in on Thursday, being fortunate enough to be a member of the ‘right union’ – has gone out on a limb and declared the latest flu outbreak to be ‘worse than man-flu’. Although, judging by the total lack of energy he exhibits when he is esconced in his corner at the Kings, it might perhaps be difficult to judge whether he has EVER been laid low by a virus or not!

Note:  Further investigations have revealed that History Tom will in fact be turning up for work on Thursday.  Apparently he is a member of the wrong union after all!

Cheers!

First of all, thanks to everyone who has expressed encouragement for the rebirth of the Old Heatonian – it’s nice to know you are out there. Each and every post on this new page has got at least one comment on it so far (except for this one at the moment), and I’ve only had to ban one (for being drunk and disorderly, if you must know!).

Comments are good on a site such as this. They let me know that there is someone out there reading this drivel in a way that the site statistics I otherwise have to rely on can’t. In the past, the comments have also been the place for lively debate on occasion – I refer to the infamous Fountain vs Kings cricket match reportage as an example (I’d link you to the articles in question, but I haven’t reloaded the main database yet).

Comments can also be a good indicator of whether or not the things we write are of interest to anyone. I have, over the past few months, attempted to distance the Old Heatonian from it’s reputation of reporting the less savoury aspects of village life as they pertain to the odd few characters who have, by default become the focus of our unique spotlight. How did we do in that respect? I don’t know. The stats show that a slowly but steadily increasing number of people are still logging on for a look, but what do you think when you get here?

I would also like to take this (belated) opportunity to thank everyone who contributed to my recent charity run. In total, including work colleagues, I raised £245. So no free running shoes (needed £500 for that) but a good job well done.

I have big plans for the future of the Old Heatonian. Top Secret as yet though, but please, watch this space.

Will the Real Hacker Please Stand Up

Recent remarks by our regular commentor, Catweasel, suggest that the recent hacking of the Old Heatonian may in some part be related to another rumour doing the rounds – namely that a local ex-sewer rat may be responsible, given that he has recently (according to rumour) taken up a Home Study Computer Course…

I would hope not. Catweasel went on to propose that if this were indeed true, we may be facing imminent Armageddon – as per the popular 80′s movie ‘War Games’.

Conversation about the state of the website in the Kings the other night led one member of the bar staff to suggest that, while he played no part in the matter, he would be capable of doing so.

So, in the interests of future security, I would ask him to please, pretty please with sugar on top, hack this version of the Old Heatonian, and explain to me the steps that he took to do so, so that I can fill those breaches.

That is, unless he’s just full of it…

It Never Ceases to Amaze Me…

…the pure nonsense you hear when you’re sat quietly having a lager in the pub.

Take for example the recent conversation overheard on Saturday between a prominent local business man and his drinking buddies:

‘Hey! You know McDonalds? Their eggs have never even seen an egg! They make ‘em from chicken fat!’

I managed to supress my guffaws of hysterical laughter for a few seconds in order to retort in no uncertain terms, and enquire why he thought this was so:

‘Well, just look at the yolk. You’ll never dip a soldier in that! Them things have never seen a bloody egg. Or a frying pan. Them chips have never seen a potatoe potato either’!

Not one to pour unnecessary scorn on the opinions of my peers, I nevertheless present to you a home version of the machine that they use to cook your McEgg:

Back…Sort of

The lot of anyone who runs a website, particularly one that offers any level of user interactivity (such as allowing comments), includes a constant battle with ne’er do wells who insist on trying to circumvent the measures put in place to block content that is considered unsavoury at best.

Unfortunately, we lost the last battle, which has resulted in a trashing of our original website.  Fortunately though, we haven’t lost much – I’ve got quite good at backing up the database regularly over the years!

I have a lot of work to do to get the site back up and running properly, but for now we’ll just camp out here until I find time to get the work done, and relaunch the new, improved, shiny Old Heatonian.

Thanks for your patience – Phil