2010 – The Story So Far…

After the thrills and spills of Christmas, for which the fragrant Mrs Funk re ignited my secret, guilty pleasure by buying me a complete boxed set of each and every episode of Friends (among other things), the New Year could only be an anti climax…

Despite the doom and gloom of sustained economic recession and unprecedented snowfalls, 2010 dawned with the majority of the Kings Arms regulars nursing a hangover from a storming New Years Eve, both at the Snooty Fox in Oakworth where local band Keep The Drummer Happy played a gig, and at the Kings itself, where customers were entertained by Scarlett Heights.

Since then, at least 2 of the young ladies who frequent the Kings have passed their driving test, so the roads in 2010 will arguably be a more dangerous place than before.

Hemlines and hairlines rise and fall in accordance with the barometer of fashion. However, nowhere, not even in the darkest depths of a dystopian nightmare would you ever class Mr Woo a fashion icon. Nevertheless, since Mr Woo braved the clippers and took his lustrous locks down to a shockingly short crew cut, a surprising number of his bar customers at the Kings have followed suit…

First to fall was Fanackapan, who eschewed the delights of ‘that bird from the hairdressers rubbing her breasts on my head while vigorously scrubbing my scalp’ in favour of an impromtu number 2 in the Kings Arms smoking shelter, courtesy of Mr Woos and his portable clippers. He was closely followed by Dribbly, who decided that a quick snip at Mr Woos Clip Joint would be far easier than driving to the hairdressers at Asda. I even thought that the follicly challenged Scottish Lawyer had succumbed to Mr Woos charms, however I was mistaken.

It was an easy mistake to make though!

Awesome…

Up and Running…

After a hiatus caused by a dodgy upgrade of the backend software, we are finally back, up and running…
Hope everyone had the Christmas and New Year they deserved, and that 2010 will bring all that you desire.
Tune in soon for some serious sarcasm.

Busy Times

We’re now on the last leg of the run up to Christmas and with the holidays approaching, there doesn’t seem to have been a busier time…

What with Christmas shopping (in my mind at least – the actual physical act of shopping is something I prefer not to contemplate until the last minute), departmental disruption at my top secret hush hush job for the government, and the last outstanding tasks to be completed on the couple of websites I am currently working on for various people, I haven’t had much time in the last few days for Old Heatonian.

It’s starting to be a busy old time socially as well – Saturday saw the Grumpy Club decamp from it’s regular haunt in the Kings and get a coach over to Skipton, where we drank a few beers while the girls went and did a bit of shopping round the market, then moved on to the Tempest Arms to tuck into the first Christmas dinner of the season…

After a bit of a false start, involving a late coach (admirably driven by Jeff the driver) and Captain Kidd getting in to the wrong minibus, (frowning as he counted the seats and noted that there weren’t enough available for our party, presumably secretly chuffed though that he had managed to nab one for himself), we were on our way.

On enquiring why the bus had been late, Mark the organiser asked Jeff where he had come from. With a heavy South African accent, Jeff replied ‘Cape Town’, to much mirth, merriment and rubbing of split sides as Mark exclaimed ‘No wonder you were bloody late – we thought you’d got caught up on Manningham Lane’.  Really, you couldn’t make this stuff up!

Anyway, at first we were a man down, as Captain Kidds mysterious other half had been called away to more pressing issues in London. However, with the prospect of a free meal wafted under his nose, it didn’t take long for Fanackapan to agree to take her place.

Predictably, Fanackapan spent a good hour before setting off searching frantically for suitable clothing, rejecting a modern business like skirt/jacket/blouse ensemble in favour of a more casual jeans and t-shirt, which went well with his dishevelled blonde wig and lipstick as red as newly spilled blood.

The meal was excellent, and the company superb, although the Captain didn’t seem too impressed by the stand in ‘wife’ we had arranged for him. Most members of the party were pleasantly merry by the time we set off back to Bradford.

Fanackapan melted the hearts of a couple of elderly ladies – Mark had complained to them that Fanackapan was his son and he didn’t know what to do with him – they replied, saying that it was ‘probably just a phase he was going through’ and that he looked ‘perfectly delightful’ as he was.

He didn’t, however, look as delightful later on, with blood streaming out of his nose and his arse hanging out of the window of the bus…

To Be Continued…

Too Much Thinking

It’s funny how certain people really get into your psyche, friends and aquaintances alike…

For example, the other day I was travelling back to Bradford on the train from Leeds.  The journey was going well, I had a magazine to read to fill the half hour of mindless tedium as the train powered it’s way along the line, when suddenly, out of the blue, I heard someone throwing up a few seats behind me.  Once my initial feelings of disgust had dispersed, my next thought was ‘Oops, looks like Mr Woo is out on another blind date’!

It really came as no surprise to me to find Fanackapan dressed up as a woman at his place of work on Sunday.  His – shall we say – enthusiasm for wearing clothes of a more feminine nature is growing daily, to the point where I for one am becoming deeply concerned…

The mere sight of him, resplendent in 1940’s housewife style blouse and skirt/cardigan number brought immediate images of what his room must be like,  cluttered with sock stuffed bargain basement bras and corner shop fishnet tights, the pungent aroma of Veet attacking your nostrils as you pick your way through the litter of discarded Freemans catalogues and Miss Selfridge flyers.

You catch sight of yourself in the full length mirror, and note the tell tale signs of lipstick kisses on the glass.  His precious collection of guitars stand to attention in the corner, draped lovingly with chiffon and silk and second hand knitwear.

A gallery of heroes on the wall – Eric Clapton glowers down, sandwiched between poor dead Danny La Rue and Lily Savage.

I really need to stop thinking about this stuff!

No Dick In Oakworth

Local band ‘Keep The Drummer Happy’ played a gig at the Snooty Fox in Oakworth on Saturday, with a brand new bass player and a heavily tweaked set list…

A number of villagers made the journey over to see them, and despite the heavy fog by the Flappit, most of us found our way over there first time.  However the Bedmaker – possibly confused by memories of our recent visit to the beer festival, went the long way round with a quick stop off in Oxenhope.

Overall, the gig was the barnstormer we have come to expect from this young band, with only the decidedly weak rendition of  ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ marring an otherwise faultless set.  The second half of the gig in particular really got the audience moving as the band belted out a range of hits, including an almost sublime cover of ‘Seven Nation Army’, which, I promise you, will be awesome next time round. 

Other highlights included what I am increasingly considering the bands signature track – Fleetwood Macs ‘The Chain’, a song which the band appear to have reworked slightly to great advantage – and the complete absence of ‘Moby Dick’ (hurrah!).

The departure of Eddie ‘Ben the Bass’ Swales to pastures new at York University must have initially seemed a mighty blow to the fledgling group, but the new ‘Ben’ has filled his shoes admirably and I for one can’t wait for the next show, which unconfirmed rumours suggest may be New Years Eve at an as yet undisclosed venue.  Keep watching www.ktdh.co.uk for details (website should be finally up and running over the next few days).

Joking Aside…

One of the benefits (or perhaps curses) of the ever increasing popularity of the text message as a means of instant communication, is the rapid propogation of topical, up to the minute, (and often near the knuckle) jokes…

A celebrity only has to die, or split up with his/her partner, or do something particularly outrageous these days, and before you know it the inbox of you and your friends’ phone is inundated with quips, puns and howlers of varying degrees of hilarity and often downright cruelty.

Who makes these jokes up?  Perhaps it is a plot by the phone operators to increase traffic on the networks and thus increase profits – after all, SMS messages can become expensive.  As Fanackapan found out recentlywhen he inadvertently sent a 4 message joke out to his circulation list (around 50 recipients) and helplessly watched his credit dwindle to nothing.

Even natural disasters are rarely immune to this phenomenon, which brings me to my point:

Why have there been no jokes whatsoever about Cockermouth?

I’d have thought they’d be flooding in by now…!

Spindly Fingered Technophobe

The hearts of gadget lovers throughout the Kings missed a beat and increased their pit a pat minutely as Fanackapan unveiled his new Nokia N97 mobile to the world last night…

Giddy and high on the heady scent of freshly unwrapped technology, his long, spindly, shaking fingers struggled immediately with the touch sensitive display and the miniscule keyboard, on which he is doomed to tap out any number of text messages, facebook updates and web addresses over the next 24 months.  However, fortified by a couple of pints of Carling, it was mere minutes before he had configured his ‘always on internet’ and logged into You Tube to view a video of his idol Spike Milligan at some sort of awards do.  His Facebook account is also set up, so expect updates on his profile with ever increasing frequency, and he has a live weather update confgured to show local Bradford weather ‘as it happens’.

The only thing he needs to do now is figure out how to make a phone call…

Deprived…

Deprived of the chance to commit to a full days work by Mother Nature herself, my thoughts turned (once the requisite bacon sarnie and cup of tea had been ingested of course) to issues miscellaneous…

For example, I spent a not inconsequential amount of time in an internal debate about whether or not the Telegraph and Argus – with its increasingly numerous grammatical and spelling errors and it’s total lack of current, up to date articles of interest to anyone but its own editorial staff – was worth the energy required to read past the front page?

I also pondered the relevance of my (much trumpeted) ‘Stand Pie Baking’ competition in aid of the Alzheimers Association in view of the ordeal facing a local yacht designer, who is going to trek to Everest Basecamp in aid of the charity early next year.  (Sponsorship details to follow on this site very soon by the way).

I considered the purported act of ‘cat burglary’ allegedly perpetrated by a graphic designer of my aquaintance who was sorely in need of beer with which to refresh his guests, and (to the relief of everyone in the village with a stash of Carling in the garage), concluded that the whole sorry story was (probably) a mixture of bravado, sleepiness and sheer twattedness on the part of the recipient of said beerage.  Although I may be wrong – investigations continue.

So, on the whole, an uneventful day – I’ve been very wet at times for instance, but nothing to make a song and dance about, I’ve printed some menus out for a forthcoming event but even the heady aroma of barely damp inkjet ink did nothing to inspire me to inscribe more than a minor footnote in the journal of my life.

Mediocrity is the enemy of inspiration.

Ever yours

Old Heatonian

Christmas is Coming…

…and no doubt there are people out there considering purchasing a laptop or desktop PC as a gift for someone special.

If that is the case, now is also the time to start thinking about getting it set up correctly so that it will be safe to use and will work first time on Christmas Day, thus avoiding tears and tantrums as you realise that PC World is closed for the day.

You should also seriously consider making sure that your computer is adequately protected against viruses, and if you will be connecting to the internet, that a firewall is in place and set up correctly.  As my (ever growing) list of satisfied customers have found out, there are some beasties out there which will wreak havoc on your PC, never mind the everpresent danger of stealing your credit card and/or identity details.

Obviously, prevention is much better than an expensive cure.  In view of this, please consider the following:

For a flat fee of £25, I will visit you in your home at a time to suit you, ensure a suitable virus checker is in place on your equipment, configure your firewall and ensure (if required) that your broadband connection, plus any WiFi networking around the house is working correctly.  Any other services you require can be negotiated on booking.

I am also available for any PC configuration issues, virus removal and security advice, general PC repairs and upgrades and network/broadband/wifi problems, as well as bespoke dynamic website programming and design and very competitive web hosting packages for both personal and business use.

If you are still shopping around for a desktop PC, why not get in touch about that as well?  I do custom built designs tailored to your needs fully guaranteed at competitive prices, with a personal follow up service package second to none.  Get in touch for a quote.

If you are interested, please email me at oldh[at]oldheatonian.co.uk (replace [at] with @) with a subject line ‘PC Services’.  State brief details of the services you require and a contact telephone number, and I will be in touch.