Old Heatonian

There was a moment of panic in the Funk household last night…

Pure Unadulterated Panic!!

It all began when the fragrant Mrs Funk and I were halfway through watching a rerun of Waking The Dead (in the vain hope of catching a glimpse of Felix , the Season 5 forensic scientist, who appears to have left the police force and shacked up with her kids and that spawny idiot from My Family.  But I digress…)

The episode had moved in quite frankly predictable directions for the programme - intense, graphic, gruesome murder scenes, Eddie Shoestring shouting a lot, Sheila from Brookside telling him off and feeling uncomfortable as Eddie Shoestring smarms around the new woman in the office, loose cannon police officer shouting a lot and mucking up the investigation, forensic scientist saves the day etc. - and was just approaching the ‘halfway through the story shocking twist which would cause you to question your up to now lucid assessment of the plot’ stage, when I felt a rumbling.

Perhaps I had overdone it with the Harry Ramsdens Mushy Peas at teatime.  Perhaps I had (heaven forbid) consumed a bad pint of lovely lovely Stella during the tea time winding down period.  But it was one of those - and you all know what I mean - where you are not quite sure whether solids or something more nebulous is going to be involved, so it is best to move to a place where either option can be dealt with in a clinical manner, and any need for paperwork is just a pull and tear away.

So, with a promise that I would ‘do a brew’ on my way back to the sofa, Mrs Funk agreed to pause the programme (the wonders of V+) while I sorted myself out.

So, I reached for my book…

It wasn’t there!  The book that I was reading wasn’t where I left it!!

The peristaltic frequency was increasing second by second as I vainly searched the living room for my book - yep, it looked like it was definitely going to be solids - and Mrs Funk gave me one of her stern looks, as if to say ‘Just GO!!  Do what you have to do and make me a coffee!!’

I think this is a man thing you know - reading on the toilet.  When I used to live with my Dad, we were both guilty of digging the newspaper out and taking it up with us when nature called.  My stepmother was never very happy about it though - she used to throw the paper out afterward.  God knows why - it’s not as if we used it for wiping purposes, although if there was ever a ‘no bogroll emergency’ we would have been well equipped to deal with it.

Nope, there’s nothing quite like that contemplative period during evacuation, getting a few pages done of the book de jour, or flicking through the news of the day in the latest broadsheet.

So anyway, with things coming rapidly to a head, I decided to just go for it, and fall back on the meagre bookshelf I maintain in the bathroom with emergency reading material.  This currently comprises:

• ‘The Difficult Second Book’ by Chris Moyles
• ‘Liseys Story’ by Stephen King
• An old copy of Empire magazine
• An old copy of PC Format

Nothing too highbrow - you don’t want anything too challenging in a situation like that.  I used to have a copy of ‘Who Cut The Cheese?’ up there, but I fear it has fallen victim to one of the inimitable Mrs Funks frequent purges (to coin a phrase).

So, I picked up the Chris Moyles tome and idly flicked through, trying to find at least something of interest in there.  After a brief period of creating some suitable sound effects, it became obvious that, well, paperwork would not be necessary on this occasion.

After a couple of pages of ‘why I am so f**king great at DJing’, I decided to call it a night, zip up and make the coffee.

Yep, I do love a good pooh while I’m reading.  I have to be careful though…

After all, the Waterstones ban has only just been lifted!!

Not much to report about the past weekend really…

Mrs Funk and I decided not to indulge in a night at the Kings on Friday, partly due to a not too favourable review of the band scheduled to play from History ‘H’es Not Drumming Now’ Tom, but mainly because of the scheduled transmission of the ‘KylieX2008′ concert on Four Music (one of those dang fangdangled digital channels).  We didn’t end up watching it in the end, due to an unforseen episode of something else, but rest assured Kylie fans, the concert has earned a permanent place on my V+ Box, alongside the concert that was transmitted on Christmas Day.

It was suggested in the Kings last Friday that there was something a wee bit untoward about my admiration of Kylie Minogue, a hint that I was a bit strange, being 40+ and ‘not gay’.

A quick straw poll of the tea time regulars in residence at the time confirmed my suspicion that there was nothing at all wrong with having a healthy obsession being a fan of the MInogue, but lets’ just recap the pertinent facts about her:

1. Miss Minogue is unmarried
2. Miss Minogue is a multi millionaire
3. Miss Minogue has a body that most people I know of half her age, would die for
4. While she is not necessarily the best singer in the world, for example, Miss Minogue has nevertheless brought actual tears to my eyes.  Tears of joy and adoration, while I jumped around like a 2 bob watch in a state of ecstasy at each and every one of the live concerts I have attended, where I have WORSHIPPED at the altar of our lady Kylie Minogue… ahem!

I think my point is - what’s not to like?  She is gorgeous, wears nice underwear, probably smells amazing,  and has an arse that has been mentioned numerous times alongside the word ‘perfect’.

The criticism was levelled at me by a girl who thinks it would be cool to persuade her dad to bid for Stephen Frys discarded spectacles on E-Bay, and a normal lifestyle choice that anyone would make if they had thought of it, especially as it’s for charity.

Consider my case rested.

Looking through the comments, Catweasel hinted that calling Legalmaid ‘Legalmaid’ will cause the hits on this site to go through the roof.  Maybe, but I reckon using the words ‘Barely’,  ‘Legal’ and ‘Maid’ in the same sentence would be even better!!

The past weekend has been one of surprises…

For example, I never thought I’d see the day when Herbie, staunch bachelor of the village, would stand chatting Mrs Funk up for an hour, then turn to me and offer relationship advice.

Or that I would find myself uttering the words ‘I’ll just have one more try to see if we can get Melvyns arse centred on this page’

The band on Friday night at the Kings (Misspent Youth), had the good grace to turn up, much to the chagrin of Barman Dom, who it is rumoured had his ‘Guitar Hero’ kit lined up ready for an impromtu jam should the need arise.

They treat us all to a stunning journey through the annals of rock, touching bases as diverse as Gerry Raffertys sublime ‘Baker Street’, and that old guitar shop stalwart ‘Smoke on the Water’, hitting rather too many Dire Straits numbers on the way for my liking, but then that’s just me.  Even one Dire Straits number is too many as far as I’m concerned.

History Tom drove us mad delighted us by drumming along on the table to each track.  I threatened to chop his f***ing hands off rechristen him Drumming Tom, but relented when he looked up tearfully and said ‘But I like being History Tom’.

In Pie News:

Date for the judging has been finalised - mark 28th September down in your diary.  The whole thing promises to be a bit of an event - Andy has hinted that he may even try and get a band on.

Judges are as follows (subject to confirmation):  Peter King and a guy who Captain Kidd knows from Yorkshire Water, who is heavily involved in the Yorkshire Pork Pie Appreciation Society (apologies - I forget his name at the moment).

We now have a logo for the event, designed by resident graphic designer Spike, and one idea being bandied about for fundraising purposes is to get some T Shirts and badges printed up for sale on and before the event.

I will not be entering the competition.  Mainly because I am too involved in the organisation of all this, and when my pie kicks everyones ass into next week, there would be the inevitable crys of ‘Fix!!’.  So I am bowing out in the interests of neutrality.

JobseekerPlus seems to think that just because there are now at least 2 females wishing to enter the competition that we should have a female judge as well.  But given that I will be anonymising all the pies when they are entered on the day, it’s highly unlikely that there would be any bias based on sexuality, as the judges will be unaware as to which pie was baked by whom.  Or is that just a who?  Who knows?

If anyone is interested, the strict definition of a Stand Pie, as stated by the ‘Answer Bank’, is a pie which, due to the characteristics of Hot Water Pastry, will stand in the oven without support.  So there you go.

And finally…

Non pie related, but equally important - ‘Nat doesn’t wish to be known as Velma OR Meggriffen, although she hasn’t yet officially rejected Duzentrun’.  In the interests of peace and harmony in the village, can we please stop suggesting ‘mysterious nicknames for the website’ for her, particularly ones that infer she has purply red hair and wears spectacles.

Thank You!

A local mentioned to me earlier today that he’d posted ‘an anonymous comment’ on the Old Heatonian…

Now, and Benito, I’m talking to you here:  If you post a comment with the name ‘Anonymous’, you go straight into my spam area, where nine times out of ten, I’ll delete you without compunction.  It’s only because I was interested in what you might have had to say that I took the trouble to see what was in there.

Dribbers - can I call you Dribbers? Or should we leave it at Dribbly?

Dribbers - if you want to say ‘I think we should call her Wilma, because she looks like Wilma from Scooby Doo’ - just come out and say it!

It’s easy!

You have an opinion - express it!

Get some BOLLOCKS!

Don’t be anonymous, don’t be a chicken - say what you got to say!

Or are you scared of a young lady half your age and a quarter your size?

You’d be wrong of course, cos there wasn’t anyone called Wilma in Scooby Doo.  Now, if you’d said ‘Daphne’ I’d have been even more acerbic, because the person in question could under NO CIRCUMSTANCE WHATSOEVER be mistaken for a dumb redhead.

Velma!!  Velma’s the name you’re looking for…

(Although I would like to state categorically, for the record, that the author of this article neither agrees nor disagrees with the opinions of the people who place comments on this website - I am neutral)*

_{*Yep, I’m scared of a woman half my age and, well, half my size}

…you just can’t win.

I was reprimanded in the classic manner of being the unwitting recipient of a ‘mong face’ last night by Duzentrun.  Apparently she does, at least when she is playing Hide and Seek or something or other.  So she feels that her new nickname on the website is a little bit unfair.

Charming!  It took 10 seconds to think of that.  Ten whole seconds of my life that I won’t see again.

However, we are a diplomatic website at worst, and so are willing to consider alternative suggestions for a new nickname for everyones favourite vegetarian.

Favourite so far is a suggestion by catweasel - Meggriffen - due to her uncanny resemblance to the daughter from Family Guy…

In a futile effort to try and divert attention away from Pies for a while, I have been wracking my brains to try and find something else to write about…

But, to no avail. So, here we go:

• The rules of the competition will be posted by the end of the week - honest guv!!
• The prize pot for the contest has been expanded to include a contribution from Yorkshire Water, one of the directors of which is apparently a member of the Yorkshire Pork Pie Appreciation Society or some such organisation - who have also volunteered to provide a judge.
• We are looking at Saturday 28th September for the actual judging night, although this is to be confirmed as RHQM was unavailable to join the meeting last Saturday where we hoped to get all this organised.
• A note to Spike, JB, Herbie and anyone else who is still living under misapprehensions of what this is all about:  YOUR PIE MUST BE A STAND PIE TO BE CONSIDERED FOR ENTRY.  Not a Game Pie, not a Meat and Potato Pie, and most definitely NOT a Youngs Admiral Pie!!  Or a Shepherds pie, even if it IS a proper Shepherds Pie, made with lamb mince and everything.  Hopefully this is now clear.
• I doubt that any member of the Kings Arms clientelle will be eager to have their ‘face painted in the manner of the pie of their choice’, as has been suggested by a local vegetarian, desperate to get involved.  I would suggest taking up meat.

The same vegetarian has also suggested that she should have her own ‘mysterious nickname’ for the site.  Fair enough, but how mysterious is it going to be when you request it in a comment with your own, personal name against it?  I hereby name you ‘Duzentrun’, and I’ll keep the reasons why just between the 2 of us…

In other news, the Kings were let down at the last minute by the ‘Swamp Monsters’ or whatever the band de jour was called on Friday night, but the subsequent potential void in the entertainment was admirably filled by ’some of the lads from the pub doing their thing’.  And very good they were too - well done!!

They kicked up such a funky beat, dropping flavas in good style all over the shop, that JobSeeker Plus - occasional commenter and Kings Arms regular - danced herself into a trip to the BRI Casualty department, as her frantic shapes popped her kneecap out of joint.

However, if she thinks her handicap will afford her a more lenient judging come Pie Day, she’s got another think coming!  I don’t care how much flour she gets smeared on her crutch…

Not since the infamous ‘Fountain Regulars vs Kings Arms Ringers’ cricket match debacle, circa August 2006, has an individual issue in the village generated so much attention in the comments section of the Old Heatonian…

I refer of course to the upcoming Stand Pie Cook Off.  ‘Sore Throat’, an increasingly active commentor has clearly flexed his internet researching skills and posted a link to a domestic Stand Pie Recipe.

Thanks for that, although I had already found that one but was, erm, keeping it to myself for now.

Sore Throat also points us to an article from the Telegraph and Argus Christmas Eve 1976, which describes what sounds like an all out consumer frenzy, as housewives spar in the street in an effort to get hold of one of Philip Smiths famous Stand Pies.

Potential contestants are lining up thick and fast already, even before the official entry forms have been published…

Even our local Painter and Decorator was keen on getting in on the action, although he was most disappointed when I pulled him aside and explained to him that his proposed Meat and Potato pie wouldn’t ’stand a cat in hells chance of winning in a Stand Pie competition, no matter how tasty the gravy’.

And finally, another commentor Catweasel has proposed that extra points be given if the animal that donates the filling to the pie is personally slaughtered by the competition entrant.

Well, I’m keen.  What does everybody else think?

It appears that yesterdays post regarding the upcoming Stand Pie Cook Off has got a hefty proportion of the Kings Arms teatime crowd in a bit of a tizzy…

For example, the ‘Bedmaker’ is panicking somewhat as, although he is keen to enter the competition, he has no idea how to make a Stand Pie.

Well, join the gang mate!  The subtle art of the Stand Pie maker is a relatively closed book, with most butchers keeping their exact recipes a closely guarded secret.  Although we did hear one report that a famous pork butcher from Bradford who, on retirement could not find a taker for his lucrative Christmas trade, revealed all by having his recipe published in the Telegraph and Argus.

Even on t’internet, recipes are few and far between.  I did, in the process of my research, come across the official Stand Pie recipe as used by the now defunct Dewhirst the Butchers.  However, potential contestants be aware, the recipe is for an industrial sized quantity, and scaling would be difficult.

My advice to would be piemakers is to first of all, concentrate on getting the Hot Water Pastry right, as this looks horrendously difficult to perfect.  Once you have got that, the filling should be relatively easy.

Bedmaker is also in a bit of a kerfuffle, as his partner, ‘Jobseeker Plus’ is also entering the fray, and as History Tom will no doubt confirm, having sampled her wares on a daily basis for the last year or so, ’she’s a damn good cook!’.

Various threats and counter threats have already been passed between the two, and we all have our fingers crossed that when the crumbs settle, they remain together.  No pie is worth losing your long term life partner over, no matter how crisp and crumbly the pastry.

As hinted in my last post, we will be having a meeting on Saturday lunchtime to finalise the rules of the competition.

Members of the ad hoc ‘Stand Pie Cook Off’ committee are:

The Funk (me)

John ‘Captain’ Kidd

The Landlord (aka RHQM)

Proposed motions for the table include the following:

• Which charity should we support?
• Scoring structure
• Standard dimensions for an entry
• Standard weight for an entry
• Fraud detection
• What date should we hold the competition
• What other fundraising opportunities could we incorporate into the evening
• Any other business

The meeting will be fully minuted for those of you who are nosy enough to want to have a look, and official entry forms with the finalised rules and guidelines will be published shortly after.

It never ceases to amaze me the destinations we sometimes reach via the twists and turns of conversation in the Kings…

Take last Saturday for example.  A congenial pint among a group of acquaintances, with low level cordial banter, soon turned into a frenzied Google for the strict definition of what exactly constitutes a Stand Pie.

Our resident pie experts (Herbie and Dribbly ‘Benito’ Baines) were available for comment, but even they were unable to pin down the difference between your common or garden standard pork pie, and your Boxing Day special Stand Pie.

Facts we managed to glean:

1. Pork Pies come in 2 varieties - ‘regular’ Pork Pies and ‘Melton Mowbray’ pork pies.  The difference lies in whether or not cured meat is used in the filling.
2. Pork Pie fillings tend to be coarse cut meat, whereas a Stand Pies’ filling tends to be a finer cut (commonly minced).
3. Stand Pies (and this is the crucial difference) are made with ‘Hot Water pastry’, which gives them that lovely, crunchy, almost biscuity texture which goes so well with a jar of Branston or a big dollop of HP Sauce.

It wasn’t long before we were all waxing lyrical and, steamy eyed, recalling our own personal experiences of past, perfect pork pie consumption, and our regret that Stand Pies only seem to be available around Christmas.  As a man, we vowed to remedy this situation.

So, a challenge has been laid down…

Sometime toward the end of September, a Stand Pie Cook Off will be held in the Kings Arms.  Competitors will be required to bake a Stand Pie, of regulation proportions (to be decided at the inaugural meeting of the Stand Pie Cook Off organising comittee, possibly Saturday lunchtime), to be entered into battle.

Everyone will be invited to judge, but must contribute a donation to a charity (to be decided) in order to do so.

Each judge will be required to sample each of the pies, and give marks out of 10 for various attributes of the pie (to be decided).

The baker of the top pie, as decided by the judging phase, will be proclaimed champion, and will be the no doubt delighted recipient of the prize kindly donated by the Landlord (aka RHQM) - a gallon of beer!!

Local businesses take note - prizes for coming top in each of the various attributes of the pie will be more than welcome…

The recent introduction of Deep Throat to my stable of contributors appears to have gone down quite well…

Although I would question their definition of anonymity, it is indeed a refreshing change to come across another local blogger who is not content with simply posting cryptic comments about Open Source operating systems and photos from t’web.